Simple as frick.
I wanted to wait a few more days until the 2nd anniversary of my last blog update, but I couldn't wait! I finally have a new domain! After bojab.space went down, I obviously put my website up on neocities, but I've almost BARELY touched it at all since then, so around May of 2023, I bought this domain. Only problem being, it was exclusively the domain. No host, no cpanel, no nothin', just bojay.be. But after paying $5 CAD to neocities, I can now use THEM as the host, and forward it to my empty domain! Aside from that, let's catch up a little bit. I've gone through 4* jobs (one was 3 shifts, on the fourth now), 3 relationships (not in one now), 4 moves (in the 4th house), 5 new computers (2 xp-era desktops, 2 windows 7-era laptops, one windows 10-era laptop), a phone maybe, and I got a shelf! I can't believe it's been damn near 2 years. I was so depressed! Fun fact: still am, but I've been way less negative than I used to be. I still have my days (or months, depending on what months of what years), but I try my hardest to be happy. It doesn't work out so often, but here I am! A big drought of mine recently was the move. Moving out of my friends place, finding a new job, not feeling good enough, and now trying my absolute hardest to be the best me I can be for someone else. I'd be the best me I can be for me, but treating myself to gifts and being as caring as possible for myself doesnn't feel as nice or rewarding as it does for someone else I care about. That sounds like I'm doing it to reward myself... I'm not. I just really like this person and I'd like for them to like me back. Not that they don't already... Goddamn I still don't know how to talk. I've got a fat crush on this girl okay? Nothing new, let's move on (more details possibly in the hidden page if you can find it). I've watched so many shows, gone through so many feelings of both extreme happiness and existential dread, made so much money that isn't in my bank account anymore. So much has happened in the last 2 years and all I can think of to talk about are the relationships I've failed in. I guess that's really hot on my mind right now. Okay, let's try talking about me specifically right now. I'm now 22 years old (woah this is NOT TRUE at all, fucking schrodinger-freuadian-dyslexic slip of the tongue, I'm 20), I have a shelf full from top to almost bottom of exclusively manga (that I want to list from a-z but will refrain)... I can't think of anything man, only possetions and feelings. Is that what my change has been? Going from self-loathing to physical possessions and emotions? Well, the emotions aren't physical, and I guess they'd still be me self-loathing. I have no clue. What I do know, is that I don't want to stop typing. I want to keep typing and typing and typing, now that I finally have somewhere to type after looking for so long. I got an app a few months ago called "Obsidian". I'ts for taking notes for the most part, but I used it for writing my feelings with this wireless keyboard I got. I love typing, it's so much fun for me, I really enjoy it. The sound of the keyboard, the way my fingers move, the way they move so near0incorrectly that I fat-0finger 3 keys at onvce or miss them altgther. I'm still drawing blanks here. I could go on about this girl I met, or how much I almopst hate my job, or how shitty of a person I think I am, or how great I think I'm trying to be. But in the end, it's all me, and always was, and always will be. Just me. There should be so much more I could add, but for the 4th time, I can't think of anything. Thank you for reading, both new visitors and old friends. We'll see how fast this becomes outdated, whether everything changes again or if I abandon the site once more. This will always be my main site, so if there's something to add on my website or something to say somewhere that isn't any social media platform, it'll be here, at both/either https://bojab.neocities.org or https://bojay.be. It's always a pleasure :)
God I hate who I am. I hate the way I act, I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look, the way I talk or the lack thereof, the stupid shit I love to listen to on repeat. Who I am is bullshit and I'm sadly staying this way. This isn't made for you to feel pity for me, this is made for me to type what I want to a group of 3 people who might read this in 15 years. I'm just shooting my own shit, don't worry. But god I suck. And I'm probably never going to do anything about it. I think I'm narcissistic and lazy and its really killing me. I'm currently crazily dehydrated and feel like dying. My back is killing me and my chair is supposed to be comfortable. I just recently stopped paying hostgator to host this website for me because I don't have my job anymore and I don't have any way of getting people to view my website, so back to neocities it is. I'm fucking decaying rank in osu faster than you can finish in bed and that isn't making me feel very good either. osu! and Left 4 Dead are the two things I have in life and osu! is leaving me behind in ways most people wouldn't understand. Mf's be like "just play the game more", well holy shit, who invited the genius? Little did you know, I did that from October through December almost daily and gained two-hundred fifty-thousand rank from it. And now I'm back up to 101,538 from 99,500. It's draining, just like work was. I put my fucking life and soul into that goddamn game just for it to be whithering away like nothing. Of course I want to play more you dipshit, its just painful. Mentally straining. I have to spend a MINIMUM of 20 minutes warming up so I'm not shit at the game, and play for longer than 2 hours STRAIGHT, NO BREAKS, to feel like I'm actually doing good. Getting past those first 20 minutes and actually trying to warmup is incredibly difficult and makes me feel like my life isn't worth living sometimes goddamnit. I have to stay up until 4PM EARLIEST before I can go to bed so that I can sleep my regular 12 hours and wake up hopefully around 5-6 o'clock AM and start having a normal fucking sleeping schedule. And I swear to fucking CHRIST if it gets ruined I'm ending somebody's life.
Work is draining. I come home feeling like shit half the time because I work more than I eat or drink. Not good. I made a subdomain, about.bojab.site. You get to it by clicking the about tab on the main page. I haven't implemented any pages that aren't mal, homepage, or the blog page, and I've only edited some things on the about page before I bring them over here as a test sort of. If you go to the homepage then click about, you'll notice a big image text change. I tried to change the font but could'nt find out how or be bothered to continue trying, so I decided to make an image with whatever font I had to make it look cool. Only problem was that I was using ms paint, so everything looks a little jank. You'll notice the background colour is blue-ish, and thats because when I added the custom colour in ms paint three times, somehow one of them was a different colour and I didn't notice until AFTER I saved three different versions of the same thing and finally made them work on the website. I'll be updating them eventually to a higher quality using a program that isn't fucking ms paint, and the background colour will match that of the site's. If you're reading this, I appreciate it, and I'm glad to know at least somebody is as interested in my site as I am. I'm going to bed, I feel like garbage.
goin to work I'll finish this later.
Well, I've got a job now. $15 CAD an hour as a dishwasher isn't bad for my first real job. I start on the 22nd at 11am and that's all I know right now. I'm excited to be able to actually buy things for myself and others without relying on everybody else to do so for me. In a few months (if I don't touch my money, which won't happen), I'd be able to buy myself a brand new computer either prebuilt or the parts to buy one myself, I can buy Metroid Dread physically when it comes out or pre-order it digitally, I can pre-order the Ultimate version of Back 4 Blood, I can buy a fucking Valve Index eventually and it comes with Half-Life: Alyx. God I'm so excited to be able to buy the numerous amount of things I've wanted over these past years and haven't been able to. I want a vr headset so goddamn bad I'm hyping myself up for it even though it'll probably take me 3-5 months to make enough money without spending it all to even be able to buy both a better pc AND the Index. We gonna be eating good soon, for REAL.
4:30 AM: I'm absolutely horrible with my sleeping schedule. Almost the next day of my previous post, I stayed up too late or slept in too late. Schedules are overrated. Just sleep in until you're not tired and if you can't sleep stay up until you can't keep your eyes open anymore. It's simple for someone who doesn't have a job like yours truely. Once I get a job - if I ever get a job - I'll be in hell. It's incredibly difficult for me to go to sleep at night, even if I AM tired, and it's equally as difficult to wake up in the morning. I usually stay up until 4-8 AM and sleep in until 3-4 PM, sometimes later. And I always feel horrible for it. I don't have anything to do anymore but I always feel bad for doing this because I feel like I'm a waste of space and resources. I SHOULD be cleaning or being productive, but I'm not when I'm sleeping and I feel bad. I don't do anything when I'm awake anyway so I don't know why I feel like this, but I do. That course I was talking about last post - my computer technology course - I'm already failing it. Yesterday - May 26th - I did a bunch of coding that was given to me in my course, and I woke up this morning - May 27th - to an email from my teacher asking me what my goal was for this course because I already had so much work I hadn't done yet. I emailed him back like, what? I completed an ENTIRE coding course and completed an ENTIRE DIFFERENT COURSE! How am I failing already? I've done relitavely all of the work requred for this class other than a couple quizes we get every day and an activity I couldn't figure out how to do. But no, I already have a Credit Warning for some reason. At this point, I'm about ready to stop doing any of this work beacuse this is bullshit. I finally start the course I've been waiting 9 months for, and I'm failing within two days. Fuck this school. Fuck this course. Fuck this schoolboard. What in the actual fuck is wrong with this shitty schoolboard. This is literally the only good class out of literally any class I could possibly take, and I'm already failing after completing the majority of all work given to me already that I'm SURE I'm supposed to have at LEAST a few days to work on, or the week. Like? What? I'm fucking furious. School is a waste of time comPLETELY. I've talked about this before. I fucking hate school. The only thing I'm doing in life is getting a shitty minimum wage job one day and ending it there. I HAVE dreams, but I'll never reach them and I know that. And since I'm lazy, why go any farther than that? Theres no need. If I have an income, I'll get what I want. If I get what I want, I won't need anything more. I don't know why people stress out about going to college and wishing they had a better life. If you have a job, you're fit for the rest of it. That's how the world runs round. Stop complaining. I say as that's all I do here..
It is currently 3:43 AM and I will be staying up all night hopefully. I woke up this morning to find out that the course I had been waiting all school year for has finally begun, but I was upset because I wanted to be in school doing this course rather than doing it online. The only benefit to doing this work online is that I can do it whenever I want, as long as it gets handed in. Only bad part is, I don't feel as motivated to do it. I added a couple new homebrew applications on my N3DS, such as Cookie Clicker, Five Nights at Freddie's, a snake game, and some other useless nonsense. It makes me upset that the modding community is so large for the 3DS, yet there hasn't been any new software made for it in quite some time. The most recent thing made for it was a Luma update so that your ds wouldn't brick the second you turn it on. Luma is the Custom Firmware you need to put onto your 3DS to be able to run homebrew applications and install your own games. Other than all of this, not much has been going on. I got the free Ruby Shadow Skin Pack on Fortnite since I've been playing on pc more recently. It's fun, but I'm not very good at aiming with mouse for some reason. Any other game; like Left 4 Dead or... I only play Left 4 dead, I'd do fine, but Fortnite is a different story. I thought I was going to get a job last week and I was super excited to finally have a source of income. Then I found out the place I was supposed to start working at hired a guy with experience in that area of work, and it absolutely destroyed me for a little bit. All I dream of now since I can't dream of doing anything else anymore is that I can upgrade my piece of shit computer so I can live stream games I like to play and actually PLAY the games I like to play at a framerate that looks good without vertical tear, rather than being run at 45 FPS (which isn't horrible, I've just been playing like that for 6 years) with TONS of vertical tear. Left 4 Dead runs at 45-50 fps almost always, but it also always has horrible tear. Even when it IS running at 60 fps the occasional time, it STILL has horrible screen tear, which makes sense because if it's running smoothly, my graphics card is probably on the verge of exploding. Not only all of that, but I can't even buy any new games, DLC for any games I DO already have, or any skins in Fortnite. It fucking sucks man. I just wish I could do what I want but I can't and I feel like I'll never be able to and it sucks. I feel like shit about asking friends to buy me things because I always want everything because there's a fucking idiot inside me telling me I absolutely need this thing or I'll fucking die. I wish I could buy things for my friends instead of being a shitty freeloader. It's currently 3:53 AM.
Week 7 of FNF came out about a week ago or so, and I've been playing it nonstop. The songs in this week are amazing and I can't wait for the full game to release! It'll probably be around 15-20 CAD or so and it will be totally worth it! I'm currently failing my math class and probably won't graduate this year because of that and the other four classesd I've failed this year. I'm just giving up on all of it because it's useless for what I want to do in the future. And I want to do alot of stuff, but I've summed it down to around one or two things: make a living off of fixing and building computers (which probably won't happen) or becoming a youtuber/live streamer (which probably won't happen). really as long as I have a minimum wage job I'll be fine. I don't plan on having kids until I'm at LEAST thirty because they're a waste of time, space, and resources, and I won't be able to live a full life if I have one when I'm twenty-two. It's a little harsh saying that at seventeen but I too was a waste of time and energy, just like all other kids born when their parents were too young. If your parents have high expectations for you, as long as you have a good feeling of what you're going to do in life and EXACTLY how you're going to get there, tell them to fuck off. It's a waste of their time trying to force you to do something you're not going to do anyway, and it's a waste of your time if you end up doing what you don't want to do. I have to tell you - if you're in school and reading this -, you should at least TRY to get through it. I'm in my final months of my Senior year and I just can't do it this year, so I'm giving up. If you don't want to be like me living with your parents with a low-end job, get through school and go to a college or university that has a class in something you specialize in. Don't waste your time.
I woke up at about 2-3:30 PM today, had a headache for a little bit. For about 10 minutes I hassled with downloading Dead Space and getting it to work on Linux. I looked online and saw somebody using Proton V. 4.11-7 or something so I used to closest version I had and it finally worked, thank god. I've tried to play Dead Space a few times since it was gifted on Steam to me around christmas 2017, but I've never made it very far through the game because it is a horror game and I am a little pussy. I've decided today that I will try to play through all of it this time instead of being scared of it. Hopefully I can because it's a good game, I've just never been able to play it all. I'm not sure if the last time I played Dead Space was on the PC I currently have or if it was on my old laptop. The funny thing about my old laptop is that it'S WORSE THAN THE COMPUTER I'M CURRENTLY USING!! This thing is a piece of SHIT compared to almost anybody else's computer, but it can run Dead Space and Left 4 Dead 2 relitavely well and that's all that matters.It's currently 2:55 AM, Saturday April 17th, I just got off of Dead Space after completing the Introductionary Chapter and I'm about to go lay on the couch and watch youtube until probably 4:30-5 AM, feel like shit about it, then wake up at the same time I did today, get a headache, and feel like shit about that. Goodnight.
I skipped school today because I was tired and it was raining heavily this morning. I didn't want to stand outside of my school for 20-30 minutes in the pouring rain and be soaking wet all fucking day. I played a few matches of Rocket League to unlock some things in Fortnite, you can look at the items here. I went back to my mothers house and have a full week ahead of me. I say 26-27 becuase it is currently 8 minutes to 3AM right now, so I'm writing this and then going to bed. Goodnight.
